The Stupidity Pandemic

Friday March 21st.

It gets worse. Yesterday the vast majority of my income between now and the end of May was thrown into jeopardy. Today is different. As the cash flow diminishes to a trickle it would seem as though all the money in the world wouldn't buy me a bottle of milk or a dozen eggs from the look of our local shops.

I saw it coming a week ago and had occasion to criticise someone for posting a picture of empty supermarket shelves on social media. One of my less cynical friends suggested that such pictures might deter people from panic buying, but I knew differently.

It was here. Spreading silently, infecting invisibly, mutating at a terrifying rate. Way more contagious than coronavirus.

Yes, it's the stupidity pandemic currently multiplying like wildfire throughout the United Kingdom. The initial strain's most commonplace symptom was an irrational need to stockpile lavatory paper. It was suggested in certain quarters that sufferers were infected with virulent greed and avarice, and like little proto plutocrats were planning to form a bum wiper's cartel in order to control supplies.

Now perhaps more troublingly it's dairy products that are the latest obsession. Quite why so many people suddenly need so much milk I haven't yet fathomed. It is of course entirely possible that our 24 hour news media (possibly one of the worst innovations of recent decades) has put a story out there regarding the antiviral properties of custard or blancmange.

Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? But does it? If you say anything frequently and loudly enough people will, in large numbers, believe what you say and act upon it. Everywhere you look people are hoarding milk. Milk which if unused will eventually go off. Milk that that elderly person who doesn't drive a car has far greater need of than you. Having been in four shops this afternoon without a drop of semi skimmed in sight I couldn't help wondering if people are also panic buying refrigerators in order to stash their precious lactic booty.
In our current situation there is no logical reason for stockpiling milk. Almost everyone is not going to experience covid 19 at its most virulent. In the unlikely scenario of a nationwide lockdown people would still be able to shop. But then, we're not living in logical, rational times are we? And I'm sorry to sat that that has been the case since long before that thing that came out of Wuhan.

Just remember: as things stand the only potential threat to the supply chain is you, should you be unfortunate enough to fall victim to the stupidity pandemic, or moronavirus as it is also commonly known.

So, has the world gone mad? I would say unequivocally yes, albeit hopefully temporarily.
In order to protect ourselves from this and future outbreaks, it is therefore important to identify the cause of this frighteningly infectious stupidity pandemic. Before any scientists start burning the midnight oil (now trading at less than a bottle of gold top) or any well paid civil servants with gold plated pensions start dreaming up a new acronym for a new committee which will enable them to hector ordinary members of the public who are struggling with recently lost income, I can save you all a whole lot of trouble.

It's the media. Broadcast media, print media, social media. It doesn't matter where you source your news, for at least a week there have been pictures and video of long queues and empty shelves wherever you look. And the nett result is right here, right now, before your very eyes.

No milk today.

Whether you favour the Telegraph or the Guardian, the Mirror or the Sun; BBC, ITV, LBC, CNN or even Al-ja-bleedin-zera, Facebook, Instagram or the cesspool that is Twitter (people with anonymous accounts are truly the dregs of modern society) there has been no escape from it, and those who lit this flame should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for causing far more chaos than the actual virus itself. Irresponsible, sensationalist, reporting, whether it's a television anchor man or you (yes, you!) uploading a picture of empty shelves at your local Lidl, this is your crisis. You created it, you own it, and I hope you are pleased with what you have done. A pointless national emergency that never needed to happen, the stupidity pandemic is a creation of our modern media. Even pleas from key workers asking you to stop have just served to cause further mutations in the stupidity virus, a cure for which I hope is close at hand.

Meanwhile I'm heading out to mug some hens and kidnap a cow.

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