IT'S ALL KICKING OFF

 

In an interesting week in which I have had to threaten legal action over infringement of the intellectual property rights of Mister PC Records and its artists, a moment of reverie led me to ponder a world in which professional football was more like professional music.

ANNOUNCEMENT PROPOSED NEW SALARY STRUCTURE FOR PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS IN THE UK Following a lengthy period of consultation with senior figures in the UK live music industry, the FA is pleased to announce the following proposed revisions to salary structure and terms and conditions for all players effective from the 2025/26 season. WAGE STRUCTURE Premier League Home match £200 Away match £250 A discretionary bonus of £25 per goal may be available. This is optional and subject to negotiations between team captains and the management of the opposing side. These negotiations to be finalised prior to publication of the fixture list. Championship Home match £125 Away match £150 Note: players should be aware that no refreshments will be offered by the venue hosting the fixture. Players are welcome to purchase meat pies at a 10% discount but we recommend that they acquaint themselves with the location of the nearest branch of Wetherspoon’s. League One Home match £75 Away match £100 Players should be aware that with effect from the 25/26 season team transportation will not be offered. In order to mitigate fuel costs team members are advised to car share. A good source of supply for five year old Mondeos is Auto Trader magazine. There is no reserved parking at match venues except for a single space for the team van. Players may negotiate a seat aboard the team van as they see fit. Players should park their vehicles in the nearest public car park or on street. If you have heavy equipment to offload assistance may be offered at the discretion of the stadium staff, most of whom are volunteers. League Two Home match £0 Away match £50 or a little bit extra if it does well Whilst League 2 home fixtures are unpaid, match officials will pass round a pint glass at half time into which match attendees may place cash contributions at their discretion. Match payments Via BACS within 28 days, all being well Television Rights BBC4 and Sky Arts will be granted exclusive live broadcast rights to three Premiership matches per season. Selection of matches is entirely at the broadcasters’ discretion but will probably always feature the same few teams. Spectators may film entire matches on their mobile devices and subsequently share them on social media. The consent of players, managers, promoters and venue owners is not required. VAR Use of VAR will be discontinued though spectator’s phone footage may be requested in the event of an argument. Club Fundraising At each fixture a raffle will take place before the resumption of play after half time. Prizes to include moderately priced wine, a tub of Heroes and a souvenir programme from a previous fixture, signed by key players. Kit Sponsorship Individual players may negotiate their own arrangements with manufacturers of boots and strip, which will usually result in players being offered products at a discounted rate compared to that charged in the souvenir shop. Players may purchase replicas of their team strip at cost price and may sell them at half time. Acquisition of a card reader is advised. We recommend Sum Up Solo. Players should also note that with effect from season 25/26 they will be required to purchase their own team strip. Wembley Global Football Festival This is to be an annual event which will show case rising football talent from around the globe. A select number of carefully chosen prominent UK sides will be invited to participate, but frankly, the vast majority of you can fucking do one.